White Water Rafting pt 2

I could make this story all cutesy and try to be funny.
I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life.
This trip to Maupin was successful. We made it there early, got geared up in life vests and oars. The guide was great and quite skilled. He gave us basic raft instructions and we were on our way. The only real instruction that I remember today is that if someone falls out of the raft do not go in after him/her as their vest will save them. Better only one person in the river than two.
The guide was taking us through the different rapids and showing us rafting tricks he had mastered. This guy was very skilled and I trusted him. We made it to a class 4 rapid and he asked who wanted to "ride the bull." Nobody knew what he was talking about, so he explained. It was one person sitting on the front edge of the raft, toes in the water, while the rest of us paddled through the rapids. Sterling's hand shot up immediately, he was chosen and up front he went, dragging his toes in the water. I, all trip long, had been at the front of the raft. I thought this appropriate now as my son would be safe next to me. The instructions prior to entering the rapids were clear. We would row as hard as we could until the guide said "oars." At this command we would place our oars in the raft and hang on while the rapids tossed Sterling around like he was riding a real bull. After hearing the instructions for our class 4 rapid I, caught a glimpse of it. I cannot paint you a picture of the rapids. So I will tell you the words that were spoken in my head for only me to hear. "SHIT...this is really, really gonna suck"
We began toward the rapids as hard as we could. The command "oars" was given. I cannot speak for anybody else at this point. I can only tell you what I did. At the command I shoved my oar under my leg. With one hand I grabbed the rope surrounding the raft and the other to the back of the life vest of my ONLY son. The very beginning of the rapids had a 3 foot drop. At this sudden and steep drop, my head was forced down to my knees, forcing all the air out of me. Once we leveled out and my head was where it was supposed to be...the hand that had been holding my child was empty. A lightning bolt of anxiety struck me as it had never before and I stood straight up in the raft while we were mid-rapid. I thought of diving in. I turned to the guide expecting a nod or an "ok." "SIT DOWN MIKE" came out of his mouth. I, wild eyed, looked at my mother and then back at the river. I must have looked like I was going in after him as the guide yelled at me to sit down again, which I did.
As a sidenote, I do honestly believe that when I die, St. Peter will replay this moment and ask me why the hell I didn't jump in. "He was your only child," St Peter would say, "if the roles were reversed, I would have gone in," St Peter would tell me.
Maybe 5 seconds passed and I spotted Sterling floating in the river headed toward a huge boulder in the middle of the river.
I grabbed him out of the river and the only harm done was he lost one shoe and my WSU hat that he had been wearing. The raft behind us gave me my oar, that I'm sure I threw out of the raft before I indecisively did nothing as my son may have been drowning.