The key to my sanity

I don't even want to make this one flowery.  I have no patience left and I'm tired of it all.
Fact:  He has had an F somewhere since week three of the school year.  He has been grounded (in some way, shape or form) since November.  That's 5 months.  Grounded because his grades.

Fact:  I have had at least 5 house keys made over the last year.  I get them...he loses them.
He told me today he used the key today to get in the front door.  It's gone now, though. 

Fact:   he had his skateboard stolen last week.  Stolen because he didn't bring it in.  Over the summer he had a bike stolen.  I truly believe he knows that another will be bought for him...that's why he doesn't seem to car.  HE DOESN'T CARE.  I bark at him for letting these things get jacked and he simply shurgs.  His
Grandma or Ma will probably get him another.  I asked him where his other skateboard was and he replied, "it's over at Victor's.  We were riding skateboards all day."  He didn't even get up to go and get it.  It didn't even creep into his brain that he should get it and keep it safe.

Fact:  I asked him if he had any homework tonight and he said no.  Thirty minutes later I reviewed his grades online. His English class had a pending assignment.  When I brought it up, he said "oh yeah."  He then let me know that it was "just coloring a cover page."  Nothing, at this point should be "just" anything.  That effing paper SHOULD look like the Mona effing Lisa when he is done.  Effing Picasso-esque.  I'm talking 100% above and beyond what anybody else is turning in.

I piss and moan.  I grumble and groan.  Sometimes I hint.  Sometimes I go straight to the heart of the matter.  Re-fucking-gardless of what I do...he strolls along.  Same speed...first gear.
Last night, we were going to visit some friends.  I asked him to be home at 8.  He called me at 8:25 as I wasn't home yet.  (the following sentences need to be said forcefully...thus the caps)  I LET HIM KNOW THAT I WOULD BE HOME IN 16 MINUTES!  THE REASON I WRITE 16 MINUTES AND NOT 15 IS BECAUSE I WAS EXACTLY SIXTEEN MILES FROM MY HOUSE WHEN HE CALLED!   SIXTEEN MILES AT 60 MPH EQUALS 16 MINUTES!  WHEN I GOT HOME...THE SHOWER WAS RUNNING!  WTF!  I OPENED THE DOOR AND HE WAS STANDING THERE NAKED.  HE HADN'T GOTTEN IN YET! 

I TOLD HIM EXACTLY WHEN I WAS GOING TO BE HOME!
I GOT HOME EXACTLY WHEN I SAID I WOULD!
HE WAS TRYING TO GET IN THE SHOWER!  What the hell!

Somewhere there is a disconnect. 

As he has no key now, I told him that he would have to wait outside tomorrow until I get home. He was fine with that.  He didn't even argue...amazing.